It’s been five years. A lot has happened in five years. Major things. I got married! I started dating a guy shortly after I left my ex. Turns out he was the one. I’d known him long before I met my abuser and he was there for me through thick and thin, as I was for him. He is my soulmate. We have our struggles, but it’s mostly because of my past and we are working on it.
I never went back to college, but maybe I will one day. I did however get a decent job. Thus I was able to afford the best thing ever: my furchild! I recently got a miniature poodle. He’s a retired akc champion show stud dog. He’s my little love bug and is currently snuggling in my lap.
I moved out of my parents house and live with my husband and dog. We have this little place we call home. It’s a wonderful thing to call it that.
I still have my daily struggles, and am still in therapy, but life is better. I hope that every survivor has their happily ever after.
I’ve told my story. I’ve seen it hundreds of times in flashbacks. Now it’s been over 18 months since the first time I told my story. I’m still healing, but now I know I’ll be able to be happy again. I’ve seen glimpses of happiness in the last 3 months. I am now independent. I am now my own self and have the right to my own body. Believe me, I still get scared. I know there will always be that scared feeling but that’s because I’m protecting myself. Now I make my own living. I’m not afraid to see the path ahead of me. I see marriage and kids and a future. In the last 18 months I’ve learned that change does happen. I didn’t finish college but I still have a full time job. I didn’t finish the major I worked on but now I know I want to do art and accounting. Who knows what will happen next…
So this is the end to my blog. Thank you to all my followers and I hope I helped you. Rape and domestic violence is a terrible thing. I know my life goal is to help survivors out there. I want to help them have a voice! Hopefully one day we won’t need to be scared anymore. Remember survivors out there, you’re strong! I know I am!
This month is sexual assault awareness month. I would like to let everyone know about sexual assault. As you all know, I experienced it. Most people don’t know how to respond when someone tells you they’ve been assaulted. Truth is, we just want you to listen, understand, not judge, and be there. That is usually all. Most of us are judged. I have been told it was my fault so many times. People have said the most stupid things to me. I’ve lost friends. I found out who my real friends were and I thank them for being there for me through good times and bad and will always be there for them too!
Sexual assault is painful. It’s a loss of control and we feel powerless. It’s not something we want and we cannot say otherwise. It’s not about the physical pain during though – it’s about the aftermath. The aftermath and the years of therapy thanks to someone’s needs. It takes awhile to learn to be yourself and happy again. Whether you block it out or not, It’s still there. The powerless feeling will haunt you.
So to all those survivors out there, know it’s not your fault. It’s their fault. The ones who did this to you. You didn’t deserve to be hurt. You are a survivor and you are strong! Hang in there! There is recovery and there is hope whether we see it or not!
Oh the amount of times I’ve heard the line “just get over it.” I wish it were that easy. I wish for a day I could not have a flashback or a nightmare. I wish I didn’t have to worry about the next breakdown I’ll have. It’s been over a year since I left my very abusive ex. I just wish it didn’t haunt me. I have supportive people, but I have also learned who my real friends are. It’s just people don’t understand. They don’t understand the pain of rape and abuse. It’s not just an overnight thing to heal from.
I know people don’t always know what to say, but I can tell you this: Don’t tell a survivor to “just get over it.”
I keep meaning to post, but life has been so busy. I started EMDR. My first real session was last week. I know it will help me. It was just a bit scary to uncover feelings. I couldn’t describe what I was feeling. I felt a bit numb and dissociated for awhile afterwards. I heard it’s common to feel like that. There’s a lot to uncover. I don’t know if I will, but hopefully I will come to peace with it. If anyone wants to start EMDR, try it! I think it helps and I’m also learning stress relief techniques which help me during the session. Life’s been busy though. I think I’m finally starting to move on!
I wrote this poem to describe what it’s like to dissociate (WordPress is not letting me space it correctly):
I don’t feel right.
Something inside of me.
It’s not there.
I’m not with it.
But that’s a good thing.
Because the pain is not there.
It doesn’t hurt anymore.
Finally I’m free.
But I’m not there.
I’m not in my body,
I’m just somewhere.
People are talking.
I can hear them.
I can respond.
I tell them I’m not okay.
I don’t know what to say.
I’ll come back someday.
But not today.
I’ve learned that keeping busy helps me. I now work full time so I’m always busy. Busy helps the bad stress. It keeps my mind occupied. I may still be stressed, but it’s a different kind of stress. I’m finally moving on. I’m living my life again and I feel that I can be happy sometime soon!