A year after being raped… My haunted past

I wanted to post this as I feel it’s crucial to know what it’s like to be raped. I’ve gotten a lot of “oh that doesn’t sound bad” or “just get over it”. In the past year, I’ve suffered from memories rising. Trauma does that to you – it blocks your memory. You remember certain bits, but later other things come up.

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One year anniversary today

It’s been a hard week, so sorry I haven’t posted recently.  Today is the anniversary of my last assault before I reported.  It was the worst assault I remember and I was very close to death at that point.  He wanted to kill me – I could see it in his eyes. He wasn’t himself and somehow just before he was about to kill me, he snapped out of it.  I realize he probably saw death in my eyes which made him stop.  I’ve had near death experiences before, but this one was different – it was from someone I thought I loved. Now I hate him for what he did. My parents say that if I didn’t leave him that week, I would have been dead in a month.

It was escalating and his anger was out of control.  I wanted him to get help, I begged him.  I knew he needed it, but he refused.  Somehow, I knew that it wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t realize the trouble I was in until afterwards because I was in shock.

I am happy to say that I am safe now, but this week has been rough. I have had suicidal thoughts for two nights out of the past week.  This weekend, my neighbor at our beach house  was found dead outside one of the houses down the street.  I’ve known this lady since 2005. She was older, but I believe she was abused by her son.  Her son is an alcoholic and he was drunk as can be when they found the body. I feel so bad for her and I wish there was something I could’ve done.

Today is also the 7 year anniversary of my best friend’s death. He is my guardian angel. I believe he was there with me during the assault. RIP to my best friend.

I feel like something bad always happens this time of year. I hope that nothing else will.  I probably won’t be posting too much this week, but I shall survive.

Also, Happy early Thanksgiving everyone!

eternally scared – anniversary in 6 days

6 more days till my one year anniversary. I’m scared. It’s the same day my best friend died too and the same day of Thanksgiving. I was almost killed that night. Threatened, assaulted, beat, bruised and choked.  I remember a week later when I went to the ER.  That was when I first spoke about the year long abuse I had been suffering.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  The ER was scary.  I remember they kept asking me questions and I would protect him.  He told me never to tell – no one would believe me because rape cannot happen in a relationship.  I remember when they examined me with a blue light. My mom saw the bruises and she started crying. She had to leave.  I remember I couldn’t cry. I always cried after I broke up with someone (at least the last two times I did).  There were no tears, but there was fear.  There still is fear.

He gaslighted me.  Told me it wasn’t abuse. Told me even though he was forcing me, it couldn’t be considered rape. He told me that it was okay that he hit me because he would never ever do it again – and he did it within a week.  He told me he didn’t need help and that I was crazy to think he did.  He didn’t understand why I suddenly grew depressed. I withdrew from people, and got into fights with my closest friends because he hated them. I didn’t realize how much abuse I was going through, emotionally, physically, and sexually.  There’s so much I could tell – a book’s worth.

All in one year – a year of shame.  I’m still healing and I’m scared for this year anniversary.  Something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. The night that I realized I had to tell. And I told. I’m free, yet eternally scared.  I just hope this anniversary passes quickly.

I can be thankful any other time of the year, but boy do I hate thanksgiving.