I’ve learned that keeping busy helps me. I now work full time so I’m always busy. Busy helps the bad stress. It keeps my mind occupied. I may still be stressed, but it’s a different kind of stress. I’m finally moving on. I’m living my life again and I feel that I can be happy sometime soon!
Happy New Year everyone! Hope everyone has a safe and healthy New Year. Everyone I know is sick right now so I’m just hiding in my room or downstairs away from everyone. I kind of want to bubble wrap myself – I guess it’s one of my anxieties but oh well.
I met with my new therapist and she seemed helpful. I know it takes awhile to get used to a new therapist, but I feel like I can trust her. I am going to let her read my story on this blog to give her some background information. I guess you can say I’m a bit nervous, because I did have a bad therapist, but she does seem helpful already. I might try EMDR, but for now I’m going to try CBT. For anyone struggling with anxiety and depression – I know your pain. It’s not easy. Anyway, hope you all got to celebrate the New Year!
It’s been one full year since I reported and today the restraining order runs up. I can not get it renewed unless I get hurt again. I am just freaking out because I know he’s very angry with me. He was always angry. I just hope he leaves me alone. I’m learning karate to protect myself and have safety plans.
If anyone reading this is planning on getting a restraining order, get it. It kept me safe from him. I am happy I got it, I just wish I could get it renewed.
For now I’m just keeping myself busy as the day passes.
I went to see Hunger Games Mockingjay part 1 this weekend. It was a really good movie, but the end scene was scary. She finally got to see a person she’d been waiting to see and he ended up choking her and went crazy afterwards. It scared me because I was choked once. I saw myself in her eyes. The panic. She had PTSD throughout the movie and it reminded me of my daily panic attacks. Jennifer Lawrence is a very good actress and displayed the PTSD quite well. I don’t have war PTSD, but it is still one in the same. It effects your life and it’s hard to see someone else experiencing it.
So if anyone is a rape or war survivor, Mockingjay may not be the best movie to watch. It has it’s moments where they show war scenes and bombings too. I had a panic attack when I got out of the movie theater. I loved the movie, but the end was just a little too graphic for me.
I wanted to post this as I feel it’s crucial to know what it’s like to be raped. I’ve gotten a lot of “oh that doesn’t sound bad” or “just get over it”. In the past year, I’ve suffered from memories rising. Trauma does that to you – it blocks your memory. You remember certain bits, but later other things come up.
This weekend I ran into someone I did not want to see. I ran into my abuser’s family friend. At first I didn’t realize who he was. He came up to me standing over me. He asked me if I went to _______ school (not saying the name for privacy). I said yes. Then he said “You dated J right?” I froze and shook my head and quietly said yes. He walked away. As I got to the car, I started panicking. My partner was with me and he tried to calm me down. I know now that if the guy just so happens mentions that I was with another guy, my ex will know.
All weekend, I was in a state of panic. It took me a long time to calm down and I ended up having to take my panic medicine which I haven’t taken in months. I realized at that moment, my PTSD is still here. It’s still bad. It’s better than it was, but seeing that guy set it off. It’s almost a year since I left my ex. I had fallen out of love with my ex long before I broke up with him. I just hope my ex won’t come after me when the restraining order is up. I’m scared, but I know I’m a fighter.
I will fight this PTSD until it’s gone!
For the first few months, I did not sleep. I remember going to bed at 7 am and waking up at 8 am. I remember running on adrenaline because whenever I did sleep it wasn’t restful. Nightmares and flashbacks would haunt me. This happened from December until April. Actually, it happened while I was with my ex. I remember lying awake because I was too afraid to sleep. He told me he’d rape me in my sleep and I guess my mind was too afraid of that. Therefore, I never slept.
I remember those nights where I sit there counting sheep. My mind was running with thoughts and a panic attack would come. Nights were filled with panic.
I realize now that it’s what happens when you’ve been raped. You don’t sleep. If you do sleep, you’re truly lucky. Insomnia like that is a sign of trauma. I realize now, that I’m finally healing. I can sleep again! I slept 10 hours last night. I sleep a lot now to catch up on the sleep I missed. I still have bad dreams, but they’re not deadly. They come and go. The other night I had a dream like 911 where planes were coming at me in New York City. I managed to get to a working airport and instead of going home, I ended up in Japan. That’s one of my not so horrible nightmares.
I sleep the most when I’m sick. That’s how I started sleeping again. I wore myself down.
Whoever said sleep was your friend, lied. It wasn’t my friend at that point in my life – it was my worst enemy.