How I left

I left over a year ago. I wasn’t living with him, so financially I was still under my parent’s house.  Still, he was able to do all he did around our parents.  I don’t even want to know what it would be like if I did move in with him.  He would talk about getting married and that scared me.  I didn’t know why at the time, but it just did.

The thing is, I didn’t know how bad the abuse was and he tricked me into believing that it was my fault so I didn’t believe it was  abuse some of the time.  I remember asking him if it was rape if I’m this scared. His response: “No not in a relationship.” Well apparently it is under the law.

Anyway, I had trouble leaving. He stalked me for two weeks afterwards. He left my parents two emails, my friends all messages, messaged me, and mailed me two letters within those weeks. I was only 21 so I didn’t have a place of my own. I was living at school and I was scared he was going to come find me. I managed to move dorms and changed my locks and alarm system at home.  My parents helped me get a restraining order.  He stopped stalking me then At the rate he was going he would’ve showed up at my doorstep with flowers and later raped me that day.  My mom saved every letter. The letters admitting to him forcing me into sex, but he still refused to call it rape.  He didn’t think he was a rapist.

I broke up with him because we had a huge fight that he needed help. This was after he had choked me almost to death.  I told him that if he didn’t go to see a therapist, that I couldn’t be with him. Eventually, he agreed to one time but I knew he wouldn’t get better going one time. I was sure he would lie and not say he did anything bad. I had bruises all over my body and a sprained shoulder from him at that point.  Apparently, it wasn’t his fault.  His mom knows somewhat about the strangle, but I’m sure he didn’t tell them that he’s a rapist.

In all honesty, I am so thankful that I was still living with my parents and not him at the time.  I know now that if you are ever in trouble, tell someone I trust. If you trapped, tell them to tell the police.  Once you escape the house, then plan the financial part.  Always save up some of your own money in a private account and don’t let your husband/boyfriend/abuser get to it.  If not, have someone who can be financially responsible for you for the time being such as move into a safe house (parents or friend’s house).

That’s just my suggestion, but I know there are many websites with information on how to escape.

This is the website that taught me the law system. It’s a great website to learn how to escape: http://www.womenslaw.org/index.php

I hope that everyone is able to be safe one day!

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My Story

I wrote my full story on one page. If you want to read it all, check out my new page at the top called My Story.

Warning though, it is long and triggering. Thanks for reading if you do.

A year after being raped… My haunted past

I wanted to post this as I feel it’s crucial to know what it’s like to be raped. I’ve gotten a lot of “oh that doesn’t sound bad” or “just get over it”. In the past year, I’ve suffered from memories rising. Trauma does that to you – it blocks your memory. You remember certain bits, but later other things come up.

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One year anniversary today

It’s been a hard week, so sorry I haven’t posted recently.  Today is the anniversary of my last assault before I reported.  It was the worst assault I remember and I was very close to death at that point.  He wanted to kill me – I could see it in his eyes. He wasn’t himself and somehow just before he was about to kill me, he snapped out of it.  I realize he probably saw death in my eyes which made him stop.  I’ve had near death experiences before, but this one was different – it was from someone I thought I loved. Now I hate him for what he did. My parents say that if I didn’t leave him that week, I would have been dead in a month.

It was escalating and his anger was out of control.  I wanted him to get help, I begged him.  I knew he needed it, but he refused.  Somehow, I knew that it wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t realize the trouble I was in until afterwards because I was in shock.

I am happy to say that I am safe now, but this week has been rough. I have had suicidal thoughts for two nights out of the past week.  This weekend, my neighbor at our beach house  was found dead outside one of the houses down the street.  I’ve known this lady since 2005. She was older, but I believe she was abused by her son.  Her son is an alcoholic and he was drunk as can be when they found the body. I feel so bad for her and I wish there was something I could’ve done.

Today is also the 7 year anniversary of my best friend’s death. He is my guardian angel. I believe he was there with me during the assault. RIP to my best friend.

I feel like something bad always happens this time of year. I hope that nothing else will.  I probably won’t be posting too much this week, but I shall survive.

Also, Happy early Thanksgiving everyone!

eternally scared – anniversary in 6 days

6 more days till my one year anniversary. I’m scared. It’s the same day my best friend died too and the same day of Thanksgiving. I was almost killed that night. Threatened, assaulted, beat, bruised and choked.  I remember a week later when I went to the ER.  That was when I first spoke about the year long abuse I had been suffering.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  The ER was scary.  I remember they kept asking me questions and I would protect him.  He told me never to tell – no one would believe me because rape cannot happen in a relationship.  I remember when they examined me with a blue light. My mom saw the bruises and she started crying. She had to leave.  I remember I couldn’t cry. I always cried after I broke up with someone (at least the last two times I did).  There were no tears, but there was fear.  There still is fear.

He gaslighted me.  Told me it wasn’t abuse. Told me even though he was forcing me, it couldn’t be considered rape. He told me that it was okay that he hit me because he would never ever do it again – and he did it within a week.  He told me he didn’t need help and that I was crazy to think he did.  He didn’t understand why I suddenly grew depressed. I withdrew from people, and got into fights with my closest friends because he hated them. I didn’t realize how much abuse I was going through, emotionally, physically, and sexually.  There’s so much I could tell – a book’s worth.

All in one year – a year of shame.  I’m still healing and I’m scared for this year anniversary.  Something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. The night that I realized I had to tell. And I told. I’m free, yet eternally scared.  I just hope this anniversary passes quickly.

I can be thankful any other time of the year, but boy do I hate thanksgiving.

Fall

For most people, fall is a happy time of year. It’s a time of change. The leaves change color and we prepare for the winter.  Most people like this change because it can be beautiful. I don’t like fall. Every year, something bad happens. Maybe I’m not good with change, but my assault happened during thanksgiving. My best friend died that same day of my assault 7 years before.  My dog died in fall.  My aunt died. Everything bad happens in fall. I realize now that maybe I have to get used to change. This year I should work on enjoying the time of year where my life was once saved.  I hope this year it won’t be so miserable because I’m truly dreading. I look at the colors and realize how beautiful it can be, but it also has some sadness. I just hope fall can be over soon.