My Story

I wrote my full story on one page. If you want to read it all, check out my new page at the top called My Story.

Warning though, it is long and triggering. Thanks for reading if you do.

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A year after being raped… My haunted past

I wanted to post this as I feel it’s crucial to know what it’s like to be raped. I’ve gotten a lot of “oh that doesn’t sound bad” or “just get over it”. In the past year, I’ve suffered from memories rising. Trauma does that to you – it blocks your memory. You remember certain bits, but later other things come up.

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Suicide Prevention Week

This week is Suicide Prevention week. I would like to let everyone know that depression and anxiety are not weaknesses.  I too have depression. It hurts, but I know there are others out there. I am learning how to help my pain. Animals help. Keeping busy helps. There are ways!

So please if you ever are hurting, know that there are others that care – I care. You are important.  Remember that.

Here’s a link if you need support:

http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

Cancer

My dog has cancer. He’s been sick all summer. Today he was dying. It was so very hard to see him like that. He was there for me during the roughest time. He knew my abuser was bad.  He was there those nights I cried and now I cry for him.  I have been very upset today that I may see him die by tomorrow, but I really do hope he holds off until Tuesday so we can take him to the vet to go in peace.  He’s suffering. He won’t eat and he’s lost so much weight – he’s the pig in the family too usually.  He’s not himself.  I think the cancer has spread.

It’s going to be a hard week, but I have to remind myself that he wants me to be happy and he will no longer be in pain. I’m going to miss my boxer boy. He’s the best!

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Dissociation

Every now and then, I have these days where I can’t describe how I feel. It feels like I’m outside of my body almost or very floaty in my mind.  I usually get very sad or a tiny bit angry because I’m not really in my body.  My friends have noticed because my eyes tend to wander and they said they realize I’m not with it.

The other day, I asked my therapist what it was.  She told me it’s dissociation. I know how to ground myself with flashbacks, but now I have to learn how to ground myself with this.  It’s scary because I don’t know how to get back to my body sometimes.  I guess that’s another sign that there’s something underneath the abuse.  My therapist said my mind is trying to protect itself. I realize dissociation happens either after I sleep or when stressed. I’m guessing my dreams get me stressed.

I feel like there’s something down in my mind that’s haunting.  I guess I’ll figure it out sooner or later, but for now I’ll work on calming down the stress so I don’t dissociate.