A year after being raped… My haunted past

I wanted to post this as I feel it’s crucial to know what it’s like to be raped. I’ve gotten a lot of “oh that doesn’t sound bad” or “just get over it”. In the past year, I’ve suffered from memories rising. Trauma does that to you – it blocks your memory. You remember certain bits, but later other things come up.

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Why didn’t I leave?

I’ve heard this questions far to often. I stayed for a year and a month.  I stayed when I had fallen out of love.  I stayed when he hurt me physically, emotionally, and sexually.  I even talked about this in therapy – it’s not that easy to leave.  I know I wasn’t married and I know I didn’t have kids with him THANKFULLY.  It’s just not as easy as it sounds to be able to leave.

I’ll give a few reasons to why I didn’t leave:

1) I loved him. I did love him at one point.  I know there’s a part of me that wishes he could have been that guy, but I now know that I hate him.  Hate was one of the reasons I was able to leave. I hated what he did to me. I just wish that love wasn’t played with so much.

2) I wanted to help him. He was The. Most. Depressed. person I have ever met.  If you think there are days when you just want to lie around doing nothing while moping and eating ice cream, this depression is different. It is SEVERE depression. It is a depression that can cause suicide or one that can lead to him killing others.  He almost killed me.  The depression led to agitation which heightened his anger issues.  At one point he stopped all of his activities and isolated himself as well as me.  I could not be friends with anyone because he had no friends and he was jealous of my social life.

I thought that I could talk him into getting therapy or medicine. Turns out I thought wrong. There are so many times I asked my parents, his parents, my friends and everyone else to help me get him to a therapist.  He will never be fixed.  I know he probably has some schizophrenia or/and bipolar in him.  He was a sick kid.

The reason I did leave is because I made up an excuse that since he wasn’t going to get help, I couldn’t be with him. I’m glad I thought of that one – I truly am.

3) He manipulated me.  I remember one time I sat there and listen to his sob story. I thought he was going to kill himself. He kept saying I wasn’t good enough for him and he didn’t deserve me.  I know now that he didn’t deserve me.  He almost broke up with me at one point during his deadly depression days, but I knew it would be my blame if something happened to him and he came crawling back. He was the guy who would give you flowers and expect sex in return even if you didn’t want it. That is rape and manipulation.  He manipulated his way into everything, sex, our relationship… It was just his sick twisted way to keep me from leaving.

4) I was scared.  Fear is weakness.  I hate to admit it, but I know that I’m always scared. I’m always scared that he’ll come back and hurt me again. Fear is also what makes you strong though – it is why I was able to tell.

I once asked him after he raped me “Is it rape if I’m this scared? Because I’m truly scared because you just hurt me…” His response “No, not if we’re in a relationship.”

I could never sleep with him. I was up at all hours of the night because I thought he was going to hurt me. He once told me he wanted to rape me in his sleep because he thought it was sexy and after that I couldn’t sleep.  I didn’t know what to do with the fear. I didn’t know whether I should tell at first, but eventually there was an alarm in my head saying something is wrong – I may die.  When he choked me, that was what drew the line.  That fear took over and I told my parents. I’m happy I did.

5) I thought I could save others.  I knew deep down there was a chance that he could hurt others. I was his pray. I was his victim, but once a victim, there will be more.  I know now that I can’t control his actions, but back then I tried to prevent his friends, his family, and other people from getting hurt. Now I know he’s going to hurt other people whether I stop him or not.  It’s his actions, not mine. At least now the cops know to keep an eye on him.

6) I didn’t know. Rape isn’t something they really teach in school. I knew the rape from a stranger in the dark alley, but I didn’t know of the relationship violence. My parents fight like every normal couple, so I just figured that fighting with my ex was normal. He tricked me into believing that it was okay, but he knew he was forcing me. He knew he was hurting me and he even wrote it in a love letter he sent to me after he hurt me really bad one time.

I remember, the reason I figured it out was because I was on facebook and apparently October is domestic violence month.  I remember reading something that “Love shouldn’t hurt.” I remember reading the warning signs of a violent relationship: Jealousy, manipulation… All of what I experienced with my ex.  I remember that day it clicked in me that something was wrong.  By then it was too late.  I left a month after that after I was able to tell my parents.  Thank you so much to whomever posted that article. You saved my life.

Those are the main reasons why I didn’t leave.  I’m safe now and I have support that I am so thankful for. Whomever tries to question why I stayed know there’s not just one answer, it’s harder than it seems. You can’t just walk out the door and expect no consequences.  He’s dangerous and that’s that.

This past week is the one year anniversary of the day walked out of the door. Today a year ago actually was the day I told him “see ya!” I’ve been experiencing high amounts of stress the past week and that’s why I haven’t posted much, but I’ve been thinking. It’s not about the reasons though – it’s why I did leave. I’m glad I was able to be strong and leave. Cheers to one year of freedom!

I was born to gallop

I haven’t been on much lately because I have gotten back into horseback riding. I found my cure for stress – horses.  I love horses. I can be having the worst day and everything will be better. I am now riding 3 days a week and am leasing a horse.  I love him so much and he is the sweetest boy.  I’m never sad or dissociating around him.  My trainer said “Don’t add onto his stress.” I know now, that no matter what kind of day I’m having, I will never add onto the horse’s stress.  When an artist is depressed and they go to paint all their sadness go away. When I ride, all my fears and stress go away.  I’m happy to say that I have found my cure of this pain.  I was born to gallop.

This is my horse: