Red flags

I didn’t realize at the time, but there were many red flags in my relationship with my ex.  I never really learned what red flags are.

I know now that the ones I saw were:

  1. Jealousy – right from the start he was jealous. He didn’t let me have a celebrity crush. He thought I was hooking up with his best friends when I am very loyal. There was so much jealousy that it scared me.
  2. Snooping – He looked in my phone. Most times he searched through my stuff without asking and would blame me if I said one word (even a good word) about him. It wasn’t his business to read my friends messages.
  3. Hatred – He hated children. He hated my friends. He hated my family.  He once told me that he would kill my children if I had any with him.  He said he hated children and would make sure I never had any.
  4. Mood changes – One moment he’d be perfectly calm and the next he’d be yelling.  I’d have to tell him to step out of the room at times.
  5. A secretive past – He never told me about his past.  He would say he was bullied and that people didn’t like him, but he wouldn’t tell me details for months.  I told him, but he wouldn’t open up. I know he’d never been with a woman before, but now I really don’t know what’s the truth.
  6. Keeping me from my activities – He wouldn’t let me go to my sorority because I had to spend time with him. He wouldn’t let me ride my horse because I couldn’t “love” anyone other than him.  Every time I had plans to be with someone other than him, he’d get mad. He could go out.  It was different for him.
  7. Controlling – He’d say that he had the right. I was a girl and he had the right to do what he wanted.
  8. Isolation – He didn’t want me to hang out with my friends because he hated them. He didn’t want me to ride my horse because he said it was me or the horse (as said in #6). I was stuck with him. I had to answer my phone every time he called or else I’d hear it from him.
  9. Constant communication – He would constantly call me. I remember I’d tell him that I was going to eat dinner and I’d call him after I’d done. He’d call and text 20 times within an hour.  I’d have to tell him when my meal came. I’d have to tell him when I was getting up. Every single time. It got really bad too
  10. Sexual nagging – He’d nag me till I’d say yes. It didn’t matter if we had it 7 times in a weekend. If he wanted it, he’d get it. If I was tired or sick, he didn’t care and he’d still nag.  That is rape I realized…

Remember you shouldn’t have to feel scared or to watch what you say. I’ve learned that there may be a reason why we might be scared. Also, animals sometimes know when someone is an abuser. I know my dogs never liked him…

There are so many signs I saw. He’s a textbook case of an abuser.  If you’re wondering what flags are I’ll post a few websites:

http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/

http://nnedv.org/resources/stats/gethelp/redflagsofabuse.html

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

What are the red flags that you saw if you were in an abusive relationship?

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My Story

I wrote my full story on one page. If you want to read it all, check out my new page at the top called My Story.

Warning though, it is long and triggering. Thanks for reading if you do.

eternally scared – anniversary in 6 days

6 more days till my one year anniversary. I’m scared. It’s the same day my best friend died too and the same day of Thanksgiving. I was almost killed that night. Threatened, assaulted, beat, bruised and choked.  I remember a week later when I went to the ER.  That was when I first spoke about the year long abuse I had been suffering.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  The ER was scary.  I remember they kept asking me questions and I would protect him.  He told me never to tell – no one would believe me because rape cannot happen in a relationship.  I remember when they examined me with a blue light. My mom saw the bruises and she started crying. She had to leave.  I remember I couldn’t cry. I always cried after I broke up with someone (at least the last two times I did).  There were no tears, but there was fear.  There still is fear.

He gaslighted me.  Told me it wasn’t abuse. Told me even though he was forcing me, it couldn’t be considered rape. He told me that it was okay that he hit me because he would never ever do it again – and he did it within a week.  He told me he didn’t need help and that I was crazy to think he did.  He didn’t understand why I suddenly grew depressed. I withdrew from people, and got into fights with my closest friends because he hated them. I didn’t realize how much abuse I was going through, emotionally, physically, and sexually.  There’s so much I could tell – a book’s worth.

All in one year – a year of shame.  I’m still healing and I’m scared for this year anniversary.  Something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. The night that I realized I had to tell. And I told. I’m free, yet eternally scared.  I just hope this anniversary passes quickly.

I can be thankful any other time of the year, but boy do I hate thanksgiving.

I wanted to run

I write poems from time to time. This is a poem I wrote today:

I wanted to run and hide.
I wanted to for a long time.
Maybe I didn’t know,
Because you got into my mind.
But one day I learned
Who you truly are.
You’re a monster,
You’re an abuser.
I wish I could’ve known.
I wish I could’ve shown
That way I could escape your spell.
Now I’m scared
Scared for my life.
You can’t have that though.
You can’t take my life.