My Story

I wrote my full story on one page. If you want to read it all, check out my new page at the top called My Story.

Warning though, it is long and triggering. Thanks for reading if you do.

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Dissociation

Every now and then, I have these days where I can’t describe how I feel. It feels like I’m outside of my body almost or very floaty in my mind.  I usually get very sad or a tiny bit angry because I’m not really in my body.  My friends have noticed because my eyes tend to wander and they said they realize I’m not with it.

The other day, I asked my therapist what it was.  She told me it’s dissociation. I know how to ground myself with flashbacks, but now I have to learn how to ground myself with this.  It’s scary because I don’t know how to get back to my body sometimes.  I guess that’s another sign that there’s something underneath the abuse.  My therapist said my mind is trying to protect itself. I realize dissociation happens either after I sleep or when stressed. I’m guessing my dreams get me stressed.

I feel like there’s something down in my mind that’s haunting.  I guess I’ll figure it out sooner or later, but for now I’ll work on calming down the stress so I don’t dissociate.

School

Last semester, I had to drop out of school. I couldn’t focus, my grades were dropping, and I wasn’t sleeping.  In March, II had a paper due and looked at my notes that night. It was a 4 page paper. I looked into my book and realized I hadn’t read all semester. I ended up having a 48 hour breakdown after that moment. I cried for a good 5 hours before calling the crisis center.  I managed to make the hardest decision – to drop out of college. 

I realized at that moment that health comes first.  The thing that bugs me though is that my goal was to finish college.  I promised myself that when I graduated high school. At one point I got upset that I had dropped out, but I’m starting to realize that I will finish college. Whether it’s community college or my bachelors – it will happen. It just may not happen as quick as I thought.  I am going to go to get my 2 year degree later this year because I’m only around 13 credits away.  Hopefully then, I will get a job that can help me be successful.

Take care of your body before you worry about anything else as you can’t take care of much else if you don’t have your body. So please know that if you’re ever struggling, health is more important.

The day I told my parents

I kept quiet for 13 months. He told me not to tell, so I didn’t.  I’d tell people he needed help.  My mom didn’t understand why he needed help.  I’d say he had depression, but she didn’t realize how bad it was.

The day I told my parents, I was in a fight with him. We fought often. Every week basically, but I never really told my them when we fought.  This fight was bad.  I was done with waiting around for him to get help when he was never going to get it.  I remember I was in the car with my dad and he asked my if my ex could drive me to an appointment before my mom showed up.  I said no and my dad started asking me why.  Eventually, I told him we were in a fight.  I told him something about my ex posturing to grab my wrists.  My dad didn’t respond.

When I got home, my dad told my mom we were in a fight. I didn’t tell them anything, but eventually I told them how he hit me.  My mom flipped out.

My mom invited his family over for Thanksgiving awhile back because she thought they were going to be part of the family one day.  She started freaking out that she had to spend time with the guy that was hurting me. Eventually, my mom’s good friend (who is also a survivor) started talking to me about how it’s still my choice to stay with him, but I need help.  During the dinner, he went upstairs and punched a pillow because my mom told him he needed therapy. Therapy wasn’t going to fix him though – he was far gone.

On black Friday, I broke up with him. I told him that I loved him, but couldn’t be with him if he didn’t get help.  I didn’t love him… He lost my love long ago.

On that Saturday, I reported.  It all spilled out. The countless rapes, his manipulative behavior, the times he pestered me to do things against my will, the isolation… Everything. It was abuse.  I was in shock for months, but that was the start to my healing.

He may have told me not to tell because he thought he could get away with it in his sociopath way.  People ask me why I didn’t tell sooner, but there is no answer. I just couldn’t.  I didn’t trust anyone and I thought I was going to get hurt.

After all that happened – I was still able to tell. And I won’t let him win. I am braver and stronger than he thinks!

Riding

There is one thing I love most: horseback riding. I would tell him how much I loved horses. At first he sighed and said, “I’ll get you one MAYBE.”  I rode less and less.  I lost interest in my favorite activity because of him.

During the summer time, I started riding more. I remember one day I showed him a picture of a horse on a couch in a house. I said I would love to have a horse like that! His response, “It’s me or the horse. You choose. Better choose right.” I said the horse.

At that point, I started getting hurt more.  I withdrew from riding because he told me I couldn’t ride. I had to be with him and give all my time and energy to him.  I got depressed. I think I was more horse deprived than anything.  I didn’t ride for a full year. And apparently

This summer marked a year since I rode.  I told myself that I will not let him control what I love.  I got back on the horse! Now I ride mostly every week and plan to half-lease a horse in the fall! I am taking baby steps and horses have helped me through my roughest time. They sense my nervousness. I have to calm down in order to ride well and I do calm.

I love horses no matter what people tell me. Always have always will!