I decided to create a page that contains my full story. I have been writing bits and pieces of it, but I feel it is time to write all of it in one place. I will edit this if I remember more. This may be long and will defiantly be triggering.
I remember the first time I contacted him. It was in the summer of 2012. My mom’s good friend told me that she had this guy I should meet. I found out he was slightly shy. He’d never had a girlfriend. I had two boyfriends almost a third since then. I remember I was slightly lonely because every guy I was with never worked out. Either they’d disappear from the face of the earth or we would feel like we’d just be friends. The first time I talked to him, he wouldn’t give me his phone number. We were chatting on facebook and I wanted to make a date with him. It was more complicated since I didn’t have his phone number, but eventually he agreed. I thought it was weird but brushed it off. We met at a restaurant. I remember seeing him in his white hoodie thinking “oh that must be him.’ He was shy, but I got him talking. He seemed to be a gentleman, pushing my chair in, letting me order first, holding the door for me. He started opening up and talking more, so I invited him over my house. At the end of the night, he kissed me. He told me it was his first kiss since he was 13. He said he wanted to take it slow as he’d never been in a relationship. He gave me his phone number after that night. Boy it wasn’t slow. We started texting every day. The next week we became official. I was so excited. The third week he met my best friend. He showed signs from the beginning of being an abuser. Jealousy, hatred… He hated my friends.
He invited me to his sister’s wedding on the third week. His sister’s wedding was the weekend before Thanksgiving. I think I started falling in love about that time – a month into the relationship.
I remember giving him a gift for the holidays. It was a sports jersey. One he really wanted and it cost a little over $100. We had been dating for 2 months and at that point I thought it was going well. He almost said he loved me, but stopped himself. He told me he loved me on Christmas Eve. We both didn’t celebrate Christmas. All night he was acting weird, hiding his phone. He told me he loved me in the basement of my house. I told him I loved him back. Little did I know a few months later, he’d rape me in that spot…
Both my dog and my great grandma died in December that year. I was very close with both of them and was devastated. He was there for me both times. Ran right there and held me in his arms. I remember though one time my grandma told me we were being too affectionate. My best friend also complained that it made her feel uncomfortable how we were doing stuff in public with her. I confronted him and he started yelling at me about it, but eventually agreed to slow it down into private.
I was going away for winter break. I was taking a 2 week class abroad. He was really upset and said he couldn’t live without me. I told him he needed to take care of himself and remember to shave and everything. He didn’t shave the whole 2 weeks. He sat there moping. At that point I was being kind of abused. It was emotional abuse. He’d change things around and we’d get in fights. It was always my fault, I was the nagger and I stopped him from drinking because he was always depressed and needed it. I don’t remember it being his fault.
When I came back, my birthday was 4 days before then. I went away for the weekend to visit my brother. He was so depressed that he threatened to jump out of a window. He wanted to drink, but I didn’t let him. He’d never had alcohol and was under age too. He had depression and anger problems and I knew it wouldn’t be very good with him. I spent that whole trip trying to make him happy. One night I did as I showed “my wild side” to him and it made him so excited. That cheered him up for a few days to the point where he wouldn’t jump out of the window. My mom threw me a surprise party and he was acting weird all night again. Turns out he was surprising me. I got mad at him for some of the things he did, but still thanked him. He hated my friends at the party and complained the whole way how inappropriate they were. He had this anger to him and if anyone upset him, he would go off. It got worse over time. He’d always be fighting with his sports team rivals so bad that I wouldn’t be surprised if he went to jail for assault for that.
I remember the relationship started going downhill, so I wanted to see if we could have sex. He was very shy about himself. Never liked to look at himself. Didn’t know much about it. We had for the first time on February 2nd. That time, it was great. It was both our first time ever, so we were new. I thought he was great again and was attracted to him. We started having sex 7 times in a weekend. By the 2nd week, I got tired. I was in this play called Vagina Monologues (coincidentally for rape awareness). He came and said I owed him for coming. So I gave him sex more that weekend. It seemed more like a chore than fun.
Valentines day, he was my first valentine. Surprised me at my dorm with flowers and chocolate. We made love, but so much that it got old – rape. I thanked him through sex for a few weeks. Didn’t matter if I got tired because I owed it to him.
At the end of February, I got really really sick. I got Noro Virus. It was the worst virus. 900 students at my college were sick and more than half went to the hospital. I threw up 16 times in an hour and ended up getting so dehydrated I almost passed out. He kept telling me I was fine. I knew I wasn’t. I went to the hospital and when I got home, he had to come over. I skipped class and all I wanted to was sleep. He had thrown up once that morning. Apparently I gave it to him, but he didn’t seem that bad. He just wanted me to feel sorry for him. At one time I told my mom I would take a nap with him. We went up to my room and he instantly got ontop of me. He wanted sex. I fought so hard, but didn’t have much energy. I remember pushing him off with my legs till it hurt. He only stopped because my mom walked in. He acted perfectly fine, but I was in so much pain. My stomach killed me after that and I was sick for 3 weeks. He had assaulted me and I had bruises. I don’t think there was hitting, but there was pinning down and grabbing and pushing. Every time I got sick, I had to give him sex. That usually led to a UTI or stomach issues. He didn’t care, he still wanted it.
March was the first time of physical violence. He hit me in the car in his driveway. He said I nagged him and he won’t ever do it again. He felt so bad because there was a little red mark on my arm and he shouldn’t have done that. He had so much guilt that I believed him. I covered it up and it went away quickly. I remember one weekend we had a party for my cousin. He didn’t want to go, but didn’t want to make a scene. He sat there the whole time moping around and complaining. I had to listen to him yelling at me about it and how he hated my brother. He told me my brother shouldn’t treat me the way he did because he knew I was jealous of my brother. I love my brother and he has done so much for me. Even if I’m jealous of his grades, I’m still proud of him.
March, he started yelling how he hated my horses. I have this crazy horse obsession and it made me not want to ride. I remember during Passover/Easter weekend, he came over and I remember asking him if he just came for sex. I felt that he wouldn’t have come if I didn’t give him sex. He said of course I would! I believed him, but there wasn’t a single time we didn’t have sex. I felt like I was his slave.
I went away to work at a sleep away camp in late June. The whole few months before then, he started nagging me about how he didn’t want me to go away. He couldn’t live without me. I had to call him every day. There were some days we were so busy at camp and he didn’t understand that. I ended up having an allergic reaction to a medicine that I had to take for an ear infection during camp. I got my first migraine and it was so painful. My stomach started acting up at that point. I didn’t realize I was being raped before then. There were times where he’d sit there pressuring me onto the bed. He’d say let’s do it! You want it. There were a few times he gently pushed me towards the bed and started smacking my butt. This stressed me and I started going downhill, especially at camp. I feel bad, but I never let the kids see me. A girl started picking on me in my cabin. She worked on kitchen staff and said I always slept. I didn’t actually sleep much at all. There were times I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I eventually told her off. By the end of the camp, we were civil. I loved camp. It was my get away. I got to spend all my time with horses! Besides the allergic reaction and that one girl, it was fun!
When I got back, my ex surprised me at the door in my house. He said he wasn’t coming because he had plans, but he was. He gave me chocolate and flowers, 12 red roses – the usual gesture. Whenever he gave me a gift, I had to repay him with sex.
When my parents were away, he stayed over my house for 5 days. One of those five days, he came in so angry. That was the time he almost hit me with a belt. The belt was in mid air and I was cornered in the kitchen. He was shoving and pushing me. I’d never seen him so angry. My house keeper walked in. She saw the belt in his hands and thought we were having sex. He raped me hard that day. I don’t remember much, but being so scared that I didn’t know what to do.
He was getting insanely depressed and started giving up his activities. At one point he stopped his favorite sport – basketball. He almost threw his basketball so hard into the woods that he almost broke my furniture outside my house. I had to go run and get it while worrying about him. He was suicidal. He stopped watching his TV show, the only thing that made him happy. He stopped everything and I had to help him. I kept telling him to get Therapy. At that point I was pressuring him so often that he got annoyed and ended up abusing me. His mom thought he didn’t need it. I knew he had anger problems as he hit me often. I remember one time I was on the phone with him, he started yelling at me how I was so insanely weak. I was fat and ugly. I sat there for a whole hour crying my eyes out telling him how brave I was from birth to high school. I’d survived so many near death experiences. Everyone said I was a miracle for surviving, but he didn’t believe it. I felt so small and I lost all sense of beauty in the world. At that point I started realizing something was wrong.
When I had foot surgery, I was so tired. He surprised me with gifts after I came home. I wanted to sleep, but he made me stay up and I started arguing with him. On the fourth night he raped me. I did not want it as I was still exhausted and worried about my foot. We ended up going down in the basement for the first time – we usually had it in his car in my driveway. A few times we almost got caught in his car as my parents let my dogs out, but we didn’t get caught. Anyway, he raped me that day. I couldn’t walk well to the bathroom so I got a UTI and he raped me again. I was on pain relievers so I was all drugged up and he took advantage of that. I was so worried about my foot that I didn’t even bother to look at the bruises.
Whenever I got my period he got mad. He hated me getting my period. He raped me during it and then yelled at me for getting blood on him. Well that’s his fault. I warned him. I had the biggest fights. Good thing I was on a pill that only had me get it 4 times a year…
There was a time in November where he raped me. I was playing Uno with him, but we were so bored I decided to play strip uno. Every weekend we played the game. That was until one weekend it was cold and my dorm didn’t have heat. I was tired of having sex, but he still wanted to play. He forced me to play and forced me to lose. I remember the feeling of being violated. I didn’t want my clothes off. I sat there as he raped me and wished for it to be over. It hurt and I dissociated. I remember how painful it was. I remember the feeling of emptiness. I remember it all and he’s disguising – I’m not anymore.
All in all: He told me it wasn’t rape because we were in a relationship. It didn’t matter if I was scared. He had the male privilege. It was my right to give him sex no matter what. We had more sex than any of his and my friends. I was his slave. His sex slave and he was proud of it. It didn’t mater how violated, how ugly I was or how sick I was. I was his prostitute and that’s all that mattered. He wanted to make a video, but I said no. He has pictures of me though and I regret that. I hope his phone broke. I remember him looking at those pictures and explaining what he wanted to do to me. He wanted to have a three-some with my best friends. I did not. I couldn’t bare the thought of looking at my best friends like that, but in his sick mind he had everything planned. He also told me how he wanted to rape any girl that ever hurt him. He explained in detail to me. He explained in detail how he wanted to rape me in his sleep. He stalked me too, reading my messages, waiting outside of my house watching me while I told him to go home. He stole my gift card. He lied to me, but I always caught him. He told me he knew he forced me. Wrote it in a letter, but it wasn’t rape. It was only forcing and he didn’t ever mean to hit me. There’s so much evidence. He’s a monster and there’s so much more than this. I could write a book.
Anyway, back to the last part…
This part is the scariest part. My life was threatened here. (this part is posted from an entry I posted awhile back) You may have read this, but if you haven’t take care and please stop reading if it’s upsetting
The last time was the night my life almost ended. I saw myself – a few minutes away from his hands. He was ‘off’ that night. It was my best friend’s birthday party and he hated my best friends. He hated everyone in fact. I remember he had told me about how his friend was so disloyal and how he didn’t know why he was ever friends with the guy. It was one of his only 3 friends. He was narrowing down on his friends.
We got home close to 1 AM. Of course he wanted sex. I said that I was tired. Eventually after pestering, he realized I didn’t want it. Usually it ended up in pestering until he raped me anyway if I didn’t want it. He sometimes even held me back slightly tugging me to the bed and sometimes harder.
Finally, I got into bed. He had passed out tired – or so I thought. I had noticed it was my best friend’s death anniversary of 6 years, so I wrote a status for my best friend. Just as I managed to press send, he jumped me. He was on top of me. Tugging at my PJs. I was freaking out because he wasn’t planning on using a condom. He locked my hands above me so I couldn’t move while he also tugged. I remember he started slapping my arms and thighs. It’s hard for me to write this. I had to stop because I started panicking.
As he was sitting there, I remember he finally got off me. I think I might have fought hard enough so that he realize what he was doing. It was at that moment I realized he wasn’t himself. I asked him “Do you know what in the hell you were doing?” He said “yes.” I then asked, “Do you know why?” He said “no.” I thought he was done
I was wrong. He jumped me. Even more violently and started punching me this time. I remember him punching my arm and I think he punched my side once. I kept trying to break free. I remember screaming and I was screaming “stop!” He didn’t care. Just as he pulled my pants somewhat down, I kicked him. I managed to kick him, but it wasn’t hard enough. He stopped for a half a second and in a blink of an eye, he was on top of me again.
I remember his face. I remember those eyes and those crunched teeth. Those eyes still haunt me. The devil was in him or something. At that moment he said “You’re alone. No one is here to save you.” And then he went for my throat. He choked me. I had the marks of death on my throat.
I wasn’t thinking about death then. I was thinking about my best friend. My best friend was with me and I missed him so much. I started crying, bawling. That scared my ex enough for him to get off me. I know now that he was scared because I lost consciousness. He had almost killed me and I survived. He snapped into reality then. I remember standing there in shock. I think I was shaking. I walked to the bathroom and had a flashback at that moment. I burst out crying and that was when I knew it was over. I was going to tell. I told my parents the next week.
I ended up with bruises all over my body – my neck, my chest, my hips, my legs, and my arms. My shoulder was strained really bad. There were scratch marks along my neck from his fingers. Thankfully, no broken bones.
I’m safe now. My parents, brother and friends have been there for me. I thank them for that! My restraining order just ran up, but there’s so much evidence that he’s scared. When I get scared, I remind myself I have a dog that will hate him. My dogs never liked him. Even the sweetest one hated him. RIP to my sweetest dog, Runner, and thank you for being there for me.
I now am learning Karate. I try to keep extra safe. I just hope and pray he doesn’t destroy anyone else’s life. There’s more of my story, but it’s too painful to remember. I get bits and pieces from flashbacks and nightmares. I have major anxiety, IBS, depression, PTSD, dissociation, sleep issues (nightmares/night terrors, sometimes insomnia) from what happened. It’s bad. There’s so much my body is trying to handle. Thank you to my body for being so strong! I know I’m strong now no matter what he says because I LEFT! It wasn’t easy, but I did it. If you ever wonder why people don’t leave abusive relationships, it’s because it’s extremely hard. You worry about safety, you worry about him getting help… There’s so much worrying and not much you can do. He’s sick and it was truely hard to realize what was happening and to be able to leave. He brainwashed me, but I won’t let him anymore.
He’s a monster and I won’t let him hurt me anymore!
Thanks for reading my story,
~ The Galloping Heart ~