I moved out

I moved out of the house I was raped in and into my own house. It is weird, but an awesome feeling. That house, my parents house, gave me bad memories. I would wake up in the position which it happened and have flashbacks. Now I’m free! Free to start a new life! A big change!

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I am a survivor!

I am a survivor because I fought back.

I am a survivor because I’ve survived pain.

I am a survivor because I told him no.

I am a survivor because I lived his pain.

I am a survivor because I get out of bed and fight depression.

I am a survivor when I have my daily panic attack.

I am a survivor when I have a nightmare.

I am a survivor when I can’t sleep.

I am a survivor because I have survived trauma.

I am not a victim of sexual assault, rape, and abuse! I am a survivor!

How I left

I left over a year ago. I wasn’t living with him, so financially I was still under my parent’s house.  Still, he was able to do all he did around our parents.  I don’t even want to know what it would be like if I did move in with him.  He would talk about getting married and that scared me.  I didn’t know why at the time, but it just did.

The thing is, I didn’t know how bad the abuse was and he tricked me into believing that it was my fault so I didn’t believe it was  abuse some of the time.  I remember asking him if it was rape if I’m this scared. His response: “No not in a relationship.” Well apparently it is under the law.

Anyway, I had trouble leaving. He stalked me for two weeks afterwards. He left my parents two emails, my friends all messages, messaged me, and mailed me two letters within those weeks. I was only 21 so I didn’t have a place of my own. I was living at school and I was scared he was going to come find me. I managed to move dorms and changed my locks and alarm system at home.  My parents helped me get a restraining order.  He stopped stalking me then At the rate he was going he would’ve showed up at my doorstep with flowers and later raped me that day.  My mom saved every letter. The letters admitting to him forcing me into sex, but he still refused to call it rape.  He didn’t think he was a rapist.

I broke up with him because we had a huge fight that he needed help. This was after he had choked me almost to death.  I told him that if he didn’t go to see a therapist, that I couldn’t be with him. Eventually, he agreed to one time but I knew he wouldn’t get better going one time. I was sure he would lie and not say he did anything bad. I had bruises all over my body and a sprained shoulder from him at that point.  Apparently, it wasn’t his fault.  His mom knows somewhat about the strangle, but I’m sure he didn’t tell them that he’s a rapist.

In all honesty, I am so thankful that I was still living with my parents and not him at the time.  I know now that if you are ever in trouble, tell someone I trust. If you trapped, tell them to tell the police.  Once you escape the house, then plan the financial part.  Always save up some of your own money in a private account and don’t let your husband/boyfriend/abuser get to it.  If not, have someone who can be financially responsible for you for the time being such as move into a safe house (parents or friend’s house).

That’s just my suggestion, but I know there are many websites with information on how to escape.

This is the website that taught me the law system. It’s a great website to learn how to escape: http://www.womenslaw.org/index.php

I hope that everyone is able to be safe one day!

Any thoughts?

I was wondering if there was anything you guys would like to see on my blog? Like topics on domestic violence, more of my story, poems and writings, or inspirational stuff. If you have anything you’d like to hear about, just let me know.

Any thoughts – what do you prefer?

Inspirational post!

Sorry I have not posted. I got in another car accident a few days later and was actually hurt that time.  I’ll post more about the second accident later.  Just been having a stressful week. I’ll post more later this week. I’m also in the process of moving so I will not be able to post as much in the next 1-3 weeks.

On a happy note, i have decided that I want to dedicate part of this blog to the happy and inspirational things that happen.  I may gather quotes and poems and post them here as well. I’ve realized that snce I’ve been raped, I’ve lost some of my positive sense. This is a way for me to gain it back.  Look for the inspiration to come!

Here’s my first inspirational post and this is how I feel this week:

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Found on Pinterest

first car accident…

Everyone is okay. I don’t drive that much, but I decided to drive in ice and at night and it’s my fault. I crashed my car. There’s a scratch and a cracked bumper.  I started panicking because I got lost and hit a car as I pulled onto a side street.  I was fine emotionally at first, but later my PTSD kicked in. Car accidents really don’t help my stress levels. Thankfully neither of us were hurt. I started remembering the time my ex got into a car accident. His car was totaled and he blamed me for that because he was coming to meet me.  I try not to let it bother me, but it’s hard.  Since the accident, I have been grinding my teeth and my mouth has been hurting really bad.

So drive safely this winter!  It’s scary out there!