Dissociating – A Poem

I wrote this poem to describe what it’s like to dissociate (WordPress is not letting me space it correctly):

I don’t feel right.

Something inside of me.

It’s not there.

I’m not with it.

But that’s a good thing.

Because the pain is not there.

It doesn’t hurt anymore.

Finally I’m free.

But I’m not there.

I’m not in my body,

I’m just somewhere.

People are talking.

I can hear them.

I can respond.

I tell them I’m not okay.

I don’t know what to say.

I’ll come back someday.

Maybe tonight,

But not today.

A year after being raped… My haunted past

I wanted to post this as I feel it’s crucial to know what it’s like to be raped. I’ve gotten a lot of “oh that doesn’t sound bad” or “just get over it”. In the past year, I’ve suffered from memories rising. Trauma does that to you – it blocks your memory. You remember certain bits, but later other things come up.

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Every now and then, I have these days where I can’t describe how I feel. It feels like I’m outside of my body almost or very floaty in my mind.  I usually get very sad or a tiny bit angry because I’m not really in my body.  My friends have noticed because my eyes tend to wander and they said they realize I’m not with it.

The other day, I asked my therapist what it was.  She told me it’s dissociation. I know how to ground myself with flashbacks, but now I have to learn how to ground myself with this.  It’s scary because I don’t know how to get back to my body sometimes.  I guess that’s another sign that there’s something underneath the abuse.  My therapist said my mind is trying to protect itself. I realize dissociation happens either after I sleep or when stressed. I’m guessing my dreams get me stressed.

I feel like there’s something down in my mind that’s haunting.  I guess I’ll figure it out sooner or later, but for now I’ll work on calming down the stress so I don’t dissociate.