Sexual Assault Awareness Month

This month is sexual assault awareness month.  I would like to let everyone know about sexual assault. As you all know, I experienced it. Most people don’t know how to respond when someone tells you they’ve been assaulted. Truth is, we just want you to listen, understand, not judge, and be there.  That is usually all.  Most of us are judged. I have been told it was my fault so many times.  People have said the most stupid things to me.  I’ve lost friends.  I found out who my real friends were and I thank them for being there for me through good times and bad and will always be there for them too!

Sexual assault is painful. It’s a loss of control and we feel powerless.  It’s not something we want and we cannot say otherwise.  It’s not about the physical pain during though – it’s about the aftermath. The aftermath and the years of therapy thanks to someone’s needs. It takes awhile to learn to be yourself and happy again.  Whether you block it out or not, It’s still there. The powerless feeling will haunt you.

So to all those survivors out there, know it’s not your fault. It’s their fault. The ones who did this to you.  You didn’t deserve to be hurt.  You are a survivor and you are strong! Hang in there! There is recovery and there is hope whether we see it or not!

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EMDR

I keep meaning to post, but life has been so busy. I started EMDR. My first real session was last week. I know it will help me. It was just a bit scary to uncover feelings. I couldn’t describe what I was feeling. I felt a bit numb and dissociated for awhile afterwards. I heard it’s common to feel like that. There’s a lot to uncover. I don’t know if I will, but hopefully I will come to peace with it. If anyone wants to start EMDR, try it! I think it helps and I’m also learning stress relief techniques which help me during the session. Life’s been busy though. I think I’m finally starting to move on!

Dissociating – A Poem

I wrote this poem to describe what it’s like to dissociate (WordPress is not letting me space it correctly):

I don’t feel right.

Something inside of me.

It’s not there.

I’m not with it.

But that’s a good thing.

Because the pain is not there.

It doesn’t hurt anymore.

Finally I’m free.

But I’m not there.

I’m not in my body,

I’m just somewhere.

People are talking.

I can hear them.

I can respond.

I tell them I’m not okay.

I don’t know what to say.

I’ll come back someday.

Maybe tonight,

But not today.

I am a survivor!

I am a survivor because I fought back.

I am a survivor because I’ve survived pain.

I am a survivor because I told him no.

I am a survivor because I lived his pain.

I am a survivor because I get out of bed and fight depression.

I am a survivor when I have my daily panic attack.

I am a survivor when I have a nightmare.

I am a survivor when I can’t sleep.

I am a survivor because I have survived trauma.

I am not a victim of sexual assault, rape, and abuse! I am a survivor!

How I left

I left over a year ago. I wasn’t living with him, so financially I was still under my parent’s house.  Still, he was able to do all he did around our parents.  I don’t even want to know what it would be like if I did move in with him.  He would talk about getting married and that scared me.  I didn’t know why at the time, but it just did.

The thing is, I didn’t know how bad the abuse was and he tricked me into believing that it was my fault so I didn’t believe it was  abuse some of the time.  I remember asking him if it was rape if I’m this scared. His response: “No not in a relationship.” Well apparently it is under the law.

Anyway, I had trouble leaving. He stalked me for two weeks afterwards. He left my parents two emails, my friends all messages, messaged me, and mailed me two letters within those weeks. I was only 21 so I didn’t have a place of my own. I was living at school and I was scared he was going to come find me. I managed to move dorms and changed my locks and alarm system at home.  My parents helped me get a restraining order.  He stopped stalking me then At the rate he was going he would’ve showed up at my doorstep with flowers and later raped me that day.  My mom saved every letter. The letters admitting to him forcing me into sex, but he still refused to call it rape.  He didn’t think he was a rapist.

I broke up with him because we had a huge fight that he needed help. This was after he had choked me almost to death.  I told him that if he didn’t go to see a therapist, that I couldn’t be with him. Eventually, he agreed to one time but I knew he wouldn’t get better going one time. I was sure he would lie and not say he did anything bad. I had bruises all over my body and a sprained shoulder from him at that point.  Apparently, it wasn’t his fault.  His mom knows somewhat about the strangle, but I’m sure he didn’t tell them that he’s a rapist.

In all honesty, I am so thankful that I was still living with my parents and not him at the time.  I know now that if you are ever in trouble, tell someone I trust. If you trapped, tell them to tell the police.  Once you escape the house, then plan the financial part.  Always save up some of your own money in a private account and don’t let your husband/boyfriend/abuser get to it.  If not, have someone who can be financially responsible for you for the time being such as move into a safe house (parents or friend’s house).

That’s just my suggestion, but I know there are many websites with information on how to escape.

This is the website that taught me the law system. It’s a great website to learn how to escape: http://www.womenslaw.org/index.php

I hope that everyone is able to be safe one day!