Children

I didn’t have kids with my ex, but I wanted kids in the future.  I told him one day I wanted kids.  He said right then that he didn’t.  We would have arguments.  I remember one time specifically that upset me the most. It still upsets me – just the thought that my kids probably won’t be safe while he’s alive.  I told him I might not be able to have kids due to health problems and the fact my mom had 5 miscarriages until she had me and my brother.  I have her health issues.  I’ve been thinking of maybe adopting since that might be healthier for me.  When I told him that, his response “I’ll hurt your adopted kids and make you miserable.” I said “I’ll move out with my kids.” His response “I’ll kill your kids.” He meant it.  I know he hated kids. I know there was only one kid he could ever tolerate and even that kid upset him. He made up excuses saying it was because he hated his childhood but I know he’s just sick.

I guess you can say that abusers tend to hate kids or animals.  He liked dogs, but hated cats.  The only thing he ever really liked was dogs, but funny thing is most dogs hated him.  He said some more horrible things, but that’s what upset me the most.

The day I told my parents

I kept quiet for 13 months. He told me not to tell, so I didn’t.  I’d tell people he needed help.  My mom didn’t understand why he needed help.  I’d say he had depression, but she didn’t realize how bad it was.

The day I told my parents, I was in a fight with him. We fought often. Every week basically, but I never really told my them when we fought.  This fight was bad.  I was done with waiting around for him to get help when he was never going to get it.  I remember I was in the car with my dad and he asked my if my ex could drive me to an appointment before my mom showed up.  I said no and my dad started asking me why.  Eventually, I told him we were in a fight.  I told him something about my ex posturing to grab my wrists.  My dad didn’t respond.

When I got home, my dad told my mom we were in a fight. I didn’t tell them anything, but eventually I told them how he hit me.  My mom flipped out.

My mom invited his family over for Thanksgiving awhile back because she thought they were going to be part of the family one day.  She started freaking out that she had to spend time with the guy that was hurting me. Eventually, my mom’s good friend (who is also a survivor) started talking to me about how it’s still my choice to stay with him, but I need help.  During the dinner, he went upstairs and punched a pillow because my mom told him he needed therapy. Therapy wasn’t going to fix him though – he was far gone.

On black Friday, I broke up with him. I told him that I loved him, but couldn’t be with him if he didn’t get help.  I didn’t love him… He lost my love long ago.

On that Saturday, I reported.  It all spilled out. The countless rapes, his manipulative behavior, the times he pestered me to do things against my will, the isolation… Everything. It was abuse.  I was in shock for months, but that was the start to my healing.

He may have told me not to tell because he thought he could get away with it in his sociopath way.  People ask me why I didn’t tell sooner, but there is no answer. I just couldn’t.  I didn’t trust anyone and I thought I was going to get hurt.

After all that happened – I was still able to tell. And I won’t let him win. I am braver and stronger than he thinks!