Life Afterwards

I’ve told my story. I’ve seen it hundreds of times in flashbacks. Now it’s been over 18 months since the first time I told my story. I’m still healing, but now I know I’ll be able to be happy again. I’ve seen glimpses of happiness in the last 3 months. I am now independent. I am now my own self and have the right to my own body. Believe me, I still get scared. I know there will always be that scared feeling but that’s because I’m protecting myself. Now I make my own living. I’m not afraid to see the path ahead of me. I see marriage and kids and a future. In the last 18 months I’ve learned that change does happen. I didn’t finish college but I still have a full time job. I didn’t finish the major I worked on but now I know I want to do art and accounting. Who knows what will happen next…
So this is the end to my blog. Thank you to all my followers and I hope I helped you. Rape and domestic violence is a terrible thing. I know my life goal is to help survivors out there. I want to help them have a voice! Hopefully one day we won’t need to be scared anymore. Remember survivors out there, you’re strong! I know I am!

Just get over it

Oh the amount of times I’ve heard the line “just get over it.” I wish it were that easy. I wish for a day I could not have a flashback or a nightmare. I wish I didn’t have to worry about the next breakdown I’ll have. It’s been over a year since I left my very abusive ex. I just wish it didn’t haunt me. I have supportive people, but I have also learned who my real friends are. It’s just people don’t understand. They don’t understand the pain of rape and abuse. It’s not just an overnight thing to heal from.

I know people don’t always know what to say, but I can tell you this: Don’t tell a survivor to “just get over it.” 

I am a survivor!

I am a survivor because I fought back.

I am a survivor because I’ve survived pain.

I am a survivor because I told him no.

I am a survivor because I lived his pain.

I am a survivor because I get out of bed and fight depression.

I am a survivor when I have my daily panic attack.

I am a survivor when I have a nightmare.

I am a survivor when I can’t sleep.

I am a survivor because I have survived trauma.

I am not a victim of sexual assault, rape, and abuse! I am a survivor!

Why didn’t I leave?

I’ve heard this questions far to often. I stayed for a year and a month.  I stayed when I had fallen out of love.  I stayed when he hurt me physically, emotionally, and sexually.  I even talked about this in therapy – it’s not that easy to leave.  I know I wasn’t married and I know I didn’t have kids with him THANKFULLY.  It’s just not as easy as it sounds to be able to leave.

I’ll give a few reasons to why I didn’t leave:

1) I loved him. I did love him at one point.  I know there’s a part of me that wishes he could have been that guy, but I now know that I hate him.  Hate was one of the reasons I was able to leave. I hated what he did to me. I just wish that love wasn’t played with so much.

2) I wanted to help him. He was The. Most. Depressed. person I have ever met.  If you think there are days when you just want to lie around doing nothing while moping and eating ice cream, this depression is different. It is SEVERE depression. It is a depression that can cause suicide or one that can lead to him killing others.  He almost killed me.  The depression led to agitation which heightened his anger issues.  At one point he stopped all of his activities and isolated himself as well as me.  I could not be friends with anyone because he had no friends and he was jealous of my social life.

I thought that I could talk him into getting therapy or medicine. Turns out I thought wrong. There are so many times I asked my parents, his parents, my friends and everyone else to help me get him to a therapist.  He will never be fixed.  I know he probably has some schizophrenia or/and bipolar in him.  He was a sick kid.

The reason I did leave is because I made up an excuse that since he wasn’t going to get help, I couldn’t be with him. I’m glad I thought of that one – I truly am.

3) He manipulated me.  I remember one time I sat there and listen to his sob story. I thought he was going to kill himself. He kept saying I wasn’t good enough for him and he didn’t deserve me.  I know now that he didn’t deserve me.  He almost broke up with me at one point during his deadly depression days, but I knew it would be my blame if something happened to him and he came crawling back. He was the guy who would give you flowers and expect sex in return even if you didn’t want it. That is rape and manipulation.  He manipulated his way into everything, sex, our relationship… It was just his sick twisted way to keep me from leaving.

4) I was scared.  Fear is weakness.  I hate to admit it, but I know that I’m always scared. I’m always scared that he’ll come back and hurt me again. Fear is also what makes you strong though – it is why I was able to tell.

I once asked him after he raped me “Is it rape if I’m this scared? Because I’m truly scared because you just hurt me…” His response “No, not if we’re in a relationship.”

I could never sleep with him. I was up at all hours of the night because I thought he was going to hurt me. He once told me he wanted to rape me in his sleep because he thought it was sexy and after that I couldn’t sleep.  I didn’t know what to do with the fear. I didn’t know whether I should tell at first, but eventually there was an alarm in my head saying something is wrong – I may die.  When he choked me, that was what drew the line.  That fear took over and I told my parents. I’m happy I did.

5) I thought I could save others.  I knew deep down there was a chance that he could hurt others. I was his pray. I was his victim, but once a victim, there will be more.  I know now that I can’t control his actions, but back then I tried to prevent his friends, his family, and other people from getting hurt. Now I know he’s going to hurt other people whether I stop him or not.  It’s his actions, not mine. At least now the cops know to keep an eye on him.

6) I didn’t know. Rape isn’t something they really teach in school. I knew the rape from a stranger in the dark alley, but I didn’t know of the relationship violence. My parents fight like every normal couple, so I just figured that fighting with my ex was normal. He tricked me into believing that it was okay, but he knew he was forcing me. He knew he was hurting me and he even wrote it in a love letter he sent to me after he hurt me really bad one time.

I remember, the reason I figured it out was because I was on facebook and apparently October is domestic violence month.  I remember reading something that “Love shouldn’t hurt.” I remember reading the warning signs of a violent relationship: Jealousy, manipulation… All of what I experienced with my ex.  I remember that day it clicked in me that something was wrong.  By then it was too late.  I left a month after that after I was able to tell my parents.  Thank you so much to whomever posted that article. You saved my life.

Those are the main reasons why I didn’t leave.  I’m safe now and I have support that I am so thankful for. Whomever tries to question why I stayed know there’s not just one answer, it’s harder than it seems. You can’t just walk out the door and expect no consequences.  He’s dangerous and that’s that.

This past week is the one year anniversary of the day walked out of the door. Today a year ago actually was the day I told him “see ya!” I’ve been experiencing high amounts of stress the past week and that’s why I haven’t posted much, but I’ve been thinking. It’s not about the reasons though – it’s why I did leave. I’m glad I was able to be strong and leave. Cheers to one year of freedom!

Pandora’s Aquarium

Back in February, I was struggling. One night I was surfing the web and happened to come across a survivors forum.  I joined then.  I am so happy I found that website. Pandy’s has helped me realize I am not alone. There are thousands of survivors on that forum and I was finally able to talk to someone that understood what I was/am going through.  I had support, but people didn’t quite understand what it was like.  A few months passed and I decided to become a section moderator for one of the forums. I learned that this happened to me possibly so I can be there to help others.

I dedicate my blog to Pandy’s as they have helped me so much. Thank you Pandy’s!

A year ago today…

It is said that every two minutes someone is raped.  I was one of those women at one time.  It happened 7 times a week.  It happened for a year.  I grew tired and stopped fighting. Then, one day I rose. I realized I was sick of being tired.  Two years ago today would have been the day that I made the biggest mistake. The day that I said yes to my rapist.  I did not know that within 3 months he would rape me.  I never thought I could have a mistake as big as this one, but I realize now I am strong.  I’ve heard the saying that things happen for a reason.  I realize that I am here to help those.

A year ago today, I was sitting at dinner with him. It was the first time I realized I was scared.  I didn’t know why I was scared.  I realize now I was scared of commitment. I was scared that the commitment would end my life.  It almost did – but I escaped!

I’m a survivor!