EMDR

I keep meaning to post, but life has been so busy. I started EMDR. My first real session was last week. I know it will help me. It was just a bit scary to uncover feelings. I couldn’t describe what I was feeling. I felt a bit numb and dissociated for awhile afterwards. I heard it’s common to feel like that. There’s a lot to uncover. I don’t know if I will, but hopefully I will come to peace with it. If anyone wants to start EMDR, try it! I think it helps and I’m also learning stress relief techniques which help me during the session. Life’s been busy though. I think I’m finally starting to move on!

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Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! Hope everyone has a safe and healthy New Year. Everyone I know is sick right now so I’m just hiding in my room or downstairs away from everyone.  I kind of want to bubble wrap myself – I guess it’s one of my anxieties but oh well.

I met with my new therapist and she seemed helpful. I know it takes awhile to get used to a new therapist, but I feel like I can trust her.  I am going to let her read my story on this blog to give her some background information.  I guess you can say I’m a bit nervous, because I did have a bad therapist, but she does seem helpful already.  I might try EMDR, but for now I’m going to try CBT.  For anyone struggling with anxiety and depression – I know your pain. It’s not easy.  Anyway, hope you all got to celebrate the New Year!

Last Therapy Session

My last Trauma therapy session was yesterday. I feel so much healthier from when I first started. I am able to understand what happened to me, how it effected me, how I can deal with it, and that it isn’t my fault. It is truly amazing what 6 months of support can do! I originally had a bad therapist, but my new one was through a crisis center and she really helped. Even if you have one bad therapist, there are many good ones so don’t be afraid to get help! I am glad I tried again and I know now that in the future, I will be better! Thank you RAINN to opening up crisis centers!

Group Therapy

Next week, I’m starting this group therapy for domestic violence survivors.  I’m slightly nervous because I’ve never actually shared my story fully in therapy. I’ve told many people, but I’ve never really worked through the feelings of what happened. I think I’m ready to share it and listen to others.  Guess I’ll have to wait and see how it goes!

Dissociation

Every now and then, I have these days where I can’t describe how I feel. It feels like I’m outside of my body almost or very floaty in my mind.  I usually get very sad or a tiny bit angry because I’m not really in my body.  My friends have noticed because my eyes tend to wander and they said they realize I’m not with it.

The other day, I asked my therapist what it was.  She told me it’s dissociation. I know how to ground myself with flashbacks, but now I have to learn how to ground myself with this.  It’s scary because I don’t know how to get back to my body sometimes.  I guess that’s another sign that there’s something underneath the abuse.  My therapist said my mind is trying to protect itself. I realize dissociation happens either after I sleep or when stressed. I’m guessing my dreams get me stressed.

I feel like there’s something down in my mind that’s haunting.  I guess I’ll figure it out sooner or later, but for now I’ll work on calming down the stress so I don’t dissociate.

The day I told my parents

I kept quiet for 13 months. He told me not to tell, so I didn’t.  I’d tell people he needed help.  My mom didn’t understand why he needed help.  I’d say he had depression, but she didn’t realize how bad it was.

The day I told my parents, I was in a fight with him. We fought often. Every week basically, but I never really told my them when we fought.  This fight was bad.  I was done with waiting around for him to get help when he was never going to get it.  I remember I was in the car with my dad and he asked my if my ex could drive me to an appointment before my mom showed up.  I said no and my dad started asking me why.  Eventually, I told him we were in a fight.  I told him something about my ex posturing to grab my wrists.  My dad didn’t respond.

When I got home, my dad told my mom we were in a fight. I didn’t tell them anything, but eventually I told them how he hit me.  My mom flipped out.

My mom invited his family over for Thanksgiving awhile back because she thought they were going to be part of the family one day.  She started freaking out that she had to spend time with the guy that was hurting me. Eventually, my mom’s good friend (who is also a survivor) started talking to me about how it’s still my choice to stay with him, but I need help.  During the dinner, he went upstairs and punched a pillow because my mom told him he needed therapy. Therapy wasn’t going to fix him though – he was far gone.

On black Friday, I broke up with him. I told him that I loved him, but couldn’t be with him if he didn’t get help.  I didn’t love him… He lost my love long ago.

On that Saturday, I reported.  It all spilled out. The countless rapes, his manipulative behavior, the times he pestered me to do things against my will, the isolation… Everything. It was abuse.  I was in shock for months, but that was the start to my healing.

He may have told me not to tell because he thought he could get away with it in his sociopath way.  People ask me why I didn’t tell sooner, but there is no answer. I just couldn’t.  I didn’t trust anyone and I thought I was going to get hurt.

After all that happened – I was still able to tell. And I won’t let him win. I am braver and stronger than he thinks!